I know it’s been far too long since I have written. I apologize for the long silence. Life has been very difficult, and I’ve avoided talking about it. Nevertheless, I sincerely thank you for your steadfast support. You make a difference, and I’d like to say thank you so much.
This medium of expression is here for my voice, so my long silence may seem apathetic, maybe even notoriously so for some, but I really regret my lapse.
To be forthright, life has not been the same since my grandfather passed away. My grandparents have been the constant. So, naturally when this nightmare began, the support and confidence that I had because of this devotion became immeasurable, to say the least.
Before my grandpa passed away, and ever since, my grandma’s health has been fragile. Just a few weeks ago she had a really bad health scare. She had an acute pancreatitis attack. For me, the gloom and the uncertainty of the days that followed were difficult. A fearful and helpless time, where, at best, hours felt like days, and at worst, time seemingly stood still.
Gratefully, she slowly improved from critical to a more stable condition. Sadly, though, more than half of her pancreas will likely never function. Considering this frightful prospect, the severity of the attack, and how it just came from nowhere, it serves as a cruel reminder of how close she came to dying.
Her condition does seem to be improving. She’s still in pain, but thankfully it’s not as severe as it was, though she doesn’t have much of an appetite. I’m not surprised because she never ate more than average portions every meal. I bet she’s never been told that her eye’s were bigger than her stomach. What really worries me is that for the most part, she refuses to eat. I suppose if she will eat well, to help regain her strength, and complete her rehab course, she will probably make a good recovery. I really hope she does. I know she doesn’t like being away from home, especially stuck in a hospital. The fact that she cannot visit me is bothering her, for sure, more so than being stuck there. I try to call and talk to her every day, as much as I can. All in all, it’s a blessing that it wasn’t much, much worse.
All of this uncertainty, and gloom, and helplessness in not being able to be there is enough to drive you mad. The fact that I am weeks away from my upcoming hearing, and the optimistic, and almost impatient readiness for that, just makes what I’m thinking and feeling impossible to describe. On one side, fear, helplessness, and frustration from not being home. Simultaneously, on the other side is hope, optimism, and impatient eagerness. Talk about being conflicted.
I’m ready to go. I’ve hurried up and waited long enough. I’m very grateful to everyone for the donations to the GoFundMe, even though I never really ask directly because it’s uncomfortable for me, and it’s still needed, no matter how large or small the donation. It is so appreciated. To you who have so graciously donated, I’m so very thankful. The help it gives me in every aspect of my life, making it easier, and better, especially now that my grandfather is gone and my grandmother has had to deal with health issues. It helps with everything from phone calls to friends and family, to commissary. Anyone that’s ever been incarcerated can tell you that, when canteen is delivered, it’s like kids on Christmas morning on the zone. When most meals served here need to be eaten fast, and in the dark, just so you can stomach it, then the option of better food to eat is great.
I also want to extend my thanks for the donations to Lori’s GoFundMe account, too. It would mean so much to her to be at my hearing. It would mean a lot to me as well. She’s put in so much time and effort towards my plight, and has been an extension of myself, of my voice, persistently. Many times I’ve told her that she deserves to be at the hearing more than I do. For nearly half a decade now she’s fought for me, and for the truth. The devotion is relentless. She wouldn’t quit even if she knew how to. She and Jen (who’s also devoted and relentless), have spent countless days and nights working together to turn over every stone to see what’s there. A lot was discovered, and is a part of the whole picture. Probably most of the mortar that holds the pieces together. Lori’s help to me has been invaluable.
Time has really flown since I was given a date for the hearing. When it was set, it was 14 months away, which seemed like an eternity, but that was just over a year ago. Twelve down and two to go.
I’m looking forward to what comes next…